Wow...

I haven't been on here in months! We are now more than halfway done with the deployment which is a relief, but we still have a ways to go. I made the comment today that it feels like forever, with forever still to go. We have done well considering. I have managed to stay busy as much as possible. We finished off the school year and have been keeping busy all summer trying to make time pass faster. This is his 3rd summer in a row he has been gone. I know it hurts him as much as it does us. Everyone posting about all the fun family activities and bbq's. All of the cute family pictures with a wife AND husband. I am happy for them; truly I am. But it sure doesn't make it any easier on me. I have found myself crying quite a bit lately which is odd. You would think the closer we get, the better it would be! I think it is mostly out of frustration and loneliness. He has been gone for 7 months. Eventually it takes a toll, even when you think you have it under control. My heart literally hurts some days. It hurts for him because I am watching all of the things the kids are doing that he has to miss. Kim (2) is so different now it's almost hard to remember how little she was. Katie (6) is so grown-up. I just try to imagine how he must feel, and that breaks my heart. This family is his world, and I know he would give anything to be home with us. My heart hurts for my kids, who cry for daddy at night when they have a bad dream, and have to settle for mommy. Or when they get that award and only mom is there. But I love that the kids are so proud of him and all he does. They aren't mad or hurt, just proud to call him dad. My heart hurts for me too. My husband, my other half of my heart, is gone. I feel so lonely so much of the time, even in a house full of people. None of them are him, and he is all I want. I told him today I miss the silly little things. Reaching over to hold his hand; rubbing the top of his head when I walk passed him; snuggling up against his back when we sleep; just being able to walk up and kiss him, or just hear his voice or his laugh. I took all of those things for granted when he was here, and now I miss it more than words can say. But I am very blessed to have such a wonderful man. He emails at least once a day because he understands how important that is to me and how my day plays out. I think when I put it into perspective is when the reality of it all hits. For example, when he left, Kim was barely 2; she will be nearly 3 when he returns home. The kids were halfway through the school year when he left; they will be nearing that same halfway point of the next year when he gets home. Jeffery has played a full season of football, and will be finishing one when he gets home. Think about that. Think about how hard that must be on him. I send pictures and I send videos, but I know it isn't the same. I just want him to know, every single day, how much he means to me and this family. Reading through the older blogs made me cry the same as the day he left. It is amazing to me that the emotions can still be so raw 7 months later. But all we can do is find the bright side. We are almost done. We have almost survived it. We have so much to look forward to. All of these things are what I try to hold on to when the nights are long and the days are hard.

Slowly but surely

Wow. We have been at this deployment business for a month now. It sure feels like a lot longer. LOL I have had a few bad days, but most of them are getting a little easier every day. The kids have fallen into a routine, and that has helped. We had one bad day where the baby saw our neighbor (also in the Navy) come home in his NWU's, and she could only see the back of him. She went charging across the street yelling, "DADDY!!". It broke my heart into pieces to have to tell her it wasn't daddy.
:(   Luckily the same night, the real daddy was able to facetime us from his hotel in Palau. She played shy, but smiled the whole conversation. The 6 year old has done better since she got a hold of her deployment doll. She sleeps with "daddy" every night. The boys are teenagers, so they aren't as faced by all of this, and I am coping by writing MANY emails a day, sending pictures, listening to our songs, and putting his cologne on my pillow. Like I have done with all the other deployments, I am not sleeping well, but I am getting pretty good at surviving on very little sleep! LOL So like it says, slowly but surely......

EXHAUSTED!!

I am just so tired! As much as I hate him leaving, and as hard as it is on me, what it does to my kids is much worse. My boys are old enough that they do fine. They step up, and pitch in to help me whenever I ask. But the girls, are a whole different story. Katie (6) seemed fine. She told him goodbye, gave him hugs and kisses and went to bed. Kim (2) seemed to sense this deployment was different. She was stuck to him like glue all evening, and cried when he put her to bed (which is not at all like her).  He has left for nights, weekends, weeks, and even a few months, and she did fine. But her instincts (or my anxiety that she picked up on), seemed to tip her off to the fact that this one was worse.  So one week into him being gone, and Katie (6) has been having accidents at school (which NEVER happens) and is overly sensitive, crying at things that shouldn't even phase her. Kim (2) hasn't slept through the night even once since he left. She wakes up crying and inconsolable, and hanging on to me like someone would if you were going to trow them off of a 12th story balcony. We went ahead and ordered a deployment doll in hoped it would help Kim, but instead, it has helped Katie. Kim seems angry at it (him). She tells it "NO!" all the time, and pushes it off her bed. But Katie seems better. Sleeping better, eating like normal, and not so sensitive. We have a second (and different type) of deployment doll coming today, so we will see if that works better for Kim. Kim still plays Daddy's videos every night, and multiple times during the day, so I think her confusion led to anger, and I think her anger is leading to acceptance. I hope. I have decided Kim's age is the worst age for a deployment. They know enough to get upset, but don't understand enough for you to be able to explain it to them. I just keep praying that Kim is able to find the peace she needs to cope until he can get home to her. At this point, it is all about patience and extra cuddling!

First GOOD day :)

It sure seems like it has been longer then 6 days since he left. In fact, it feels like weeks. But slowly the chaos is giving way to routine, and everyone's moods are leveling out. The stress is still there, but it isn't so overwhelming. There was nothing exceptional about today; nothing exciting happened. But then, nothing bad did either. The girls were happy most of the day. The house was picked up, the dishes got done, and my to-do list got shorter. And it is all of these little things, that made for a good day. It was normalcy, when so many things haven't been normal. I got to email back and forth with my hubby which will always make a bad day good, and a good day better. So even though he is always the first thing on my mind, the survivor in me has taken over and has told the rest of me to suck it up and keep pushing forward. The biggest thing to remember is this is not permanent. I am blessed enough to still have him to "talk" to, and to look forward to him returning. So many military wives don't have that, and for them, my heart breaks. So tonight, I thank God for the strength he has given me, and the love I have found with my amazing husband. <3

Brighter outlook.....

Well I am trying anyway! LOL I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. I was thinking about it today, and how to explain how it feels when they leave for such a long period of time. At first I felt almost like I was in mourning. I know how extreme that must sound to most of you, but it is a loss of sorts, just not permanent (God willing). But then I decided a better way to explain it is like being punched. In the stomach. Full force. But the catch is you know it is coming. So you are pretending that come Monday, you aren't going to get hit. But then BAM! Down you go. Everything hurts. You feel like you are frozen on the ground while life keeps moving. You have no air because it was that hard of a hit. You cry....a LOT. You struggle to be "normal" for the kids, but mentally, you are still on the ground. Then slowly, you find yourself crying less, and feeling "normal" more. The ratio of hurt to survival mode slowly shifts to favor survival. The hurt is more like a long lasting bruise; slowly healing, but still hurts. Today is day 5 since I said goodbye, and today I feel the most like myself since before he left. I am back to being able to appreciate all of the little things that when added up, equal a big smile. Watching the baby peanut dancing around to the music with such excitement. Getting out the door on time for school. Seeing my little Buggy making great progress in the school work she struggles to complete. I have to remember to be thankful. I have an AMAZING man, who is LITERALLY my hero, and is off protecting his family, and his country. That man loves me and our children more then himself, and that is why is able to do what he does. I have amazing kids that keep me busy during his absence, and a wonderful support system of family and friends who let me have bad days, and help me enjoy the good ones. I have many friends, but I had no idea how many would step up above and beyond, to help me get through. So thank you. I am very blessed. And on the bright side, we are one day closer to him coming home! :)

All about this page......

I initially started this to hold myself accountable for working out, and making changes. That was an EPIC fail! LOL I decided last night as I was trying to fall asleep, that the best thing for me to do, is write about all of the thoughts I have going through my head. My husband deployed on Monday, and it is now Thursday, and I have so many things I want to say, and just can't. He isn't here to say it to. I want people to understand, and the only way I know how to do that, is to write about it. So over the next few days, weeks, and hopefully months, I will be able to log on, free my mind, and sleep!

My weekly check in 1/28/12

Sadly, I made no headway on my goals this week. I was eating terribly, and didn't get to the gym or jogging even once. I am fully exhausted. There is always something that needs to be done, and no matter how much I do, I never catch up. Thats very frustrating. The one baby I watch is litterally draining me. He cries all the time. He is never happy, and I am exhausted beyond words at the end of days when he was here. I truly think he has reflux, so I am hoping once he gets passed that (medically or out grown) he will be easier. I really want this weight off, so I have decided after tonight (its my sons birthday party so there is pizza and cake), I am going to cut down to NO MORE then 2 sodas a day (diet) and eating out to no more then 2 times a week. I am working on a more structured eating plan to help regulate my habits and weight. So here is to hoping! Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!!